Trudging Through Briars

It’s a Thursday afternoon after school and I’m sitting here trying to type out this letter from the soul at the same time as I precariously balance an ice cream cone between my typing fingers, because it’s just been that kind of day.  It’s a day that should have been a Friday.  In fact, I thought it was for most of the day.  The revelation that it was only Thursday led to this melting moment of chocolate disaster on my desk.  

On the way back from “Operation Ice Cream”, a fellow teacher called me out on “trudging”.  One step in front of the other with head down low.  Guilty.  It wasn’t a bad day altogether, put the sprinkles of little seedy lies has left a bad taste in my mouth and deep ache in my gut.  

It started last night at an end-of the-year team dinner where I received a nomination for the “Hitler” Award.  I laughed it off, knowing that it almost certainly awarded in jest, then let it suck the life right out of me while trying to get to sleep that night.

Seedy little lie #1: I am a tyrant of a leader.

This morning, my phone kindly reminded me of someone’s birthday who I wish I could forget.  A reminder of being entirely forgotten that brought a hurricane of memories and feelings that didn’t feel like being forgotten today.

Seedy little lie #2: I am passed over.

A tough critique of class this year by my students with crystal clear honesty.  A honesty I love and cherish, but a gift that comes with a bit of a hard pill to swallow.  Sometimes, it’s hard to be the adult in the situation.

Seedy little lie #3: I have failed my students.

Then, there was the opening of Pandora’s box when inquisitive students with uncontainable curiosity asked prying questions about my love life.  It’s amazing how much that topic instantly engages them.  It’s a mystery that captures many people’s curiosity: “What brought you to this single life and is it ever going to change?”  I’m proud of them for asking meaningful and profound questions, but just wish that I had the same type of answers.  

Seedy little lie #4: Yes, I have missed out on one of the greatest experiences in life.

Then, there was that well-meaning discussion in which my students were brainstorming new careers for me and arrived at the conclusion that I would do quite well in the military.  

Seedy little lie #5: I’m as hard as steel.  Maybe I’ve missed my calling.

Then, there is that unanswered email in my “Sent” inbox that leaves an open-ended question of whether I should be left in a leadership position or not.  The silence feeds the reservation I feel in myself.  

Seedy little lie #6: I’m not worthy.

Yes, I was trudging today.  Trudging through briars of lies that I’m now picking off my socks.  Briars bear pricks of seedy little lies. Because, that's what they are. None of them are truth.  I have been praying for God to keep me humble.  Good thing God always answers prayers.  Honestly, I’m thankful He was so gentle with me.  The pricks sting, but they brush off.  And, a good wash brings in the fragrance of truth.

I’m trudging through the briars, headed towards the mountains.  I’m just two weeks, a graduation, many painful last hugs, an overnight train, and three flights away.  I’ll look back from my mountain lookout and won’t see the briars for the prairies.

Until that lookout point, here is the only healing balm we can press into our scratched souls.

When approval is not given, we serve One who has approves us (2 Timothy 2:15).

When the world passes us by, we are chosen in Christ (1 Peter 2:9).

When failure knocks our breath out, He works all things together for good (Romans 8:28).

When the world is not enough, we are complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).

When a storm darkens the path, the Lord directs our steps. (Proverbs 16:9).

When our identity is standing on shaky ground, we are worthy (Galatians 3:26)

These photos are from a trek through the "briars" of a tea terrace in northern Thailand over April break.